#igiveup

Not such a positive title for my first post. But, there was no way for me to get here, without giving up. It happened to be my only savior and most importantly only choice in control.

So, I give up.

It is that time of my life or was that been all way long, that I was confused about my existence. I was in a constant expedition to find meanings and reasons for anything and everything. My purpose is in question. I am not even able to list 3 things that make me happy. So it was excruciating that I wanted to be happy and I had no clue doing what makes me happy. I am feeling like a dead piece of rusted iron in the world of an electromagnetic flux and I am constantly oscillating.

But, I did not stop trying. I kept myself optimistic and never stopped trying.  There are countless instances of failures and I looked at each every time and said “Well! Yeah, I tried.” and got on to another round of it. This gave a sense of fulfillment that I at least tried and some dozes of strength or I should say more of enthusiasm to get back on.

I started to travel alone in pursuit of answers. I started to read books to find the purpose of life. I attended few forums and seminars for help. I started to run miles in search of peace. The counting beads, the lonely walks and self-talks, the blog posts and the empty thoughts.

But, this was the component of a master loop of my life. Slowly, it started to feel like an infinite loop, where nothing ever changed. Same questions arose, the same confusions and I was as they say “Back to square 1”.  And the journey begins. Again. Again with the sense of some arrogance over failure “I have done it once, will do it again. Restart”,

Sometimes later last year I was on a solo ride to Gokarna with one clear purpose, to get an answer to the question “What makes me happy?”. The task was simple and was to come back with a list of 3 things that make me happy.

The task was a failure but the trip. The trip was memorable. I did not have the answer to that question, It was like a complete waste of time and money to not have completed the purpose of the trip. But, on the contrary, I had an amazing trip.  So then again, this trip was stacked to the shelves with the column name “In Complete Tasks, re-plan” as with the feeling of another circle in the loop. The infinite loop.

But, one thing happened different, later that week I summarized the trip in one image at my office desk. Now that was something, looking at that all of a sudden it all made sense. I could see that the summary and the purpose of the trip are same.  And hence the task as it now stands successfully completed. The summary image is the pictorial representation of the list of things that make me happy.

Read, Run and Ride.

It was a realization, that magical awareness. I could see the distinction between trying to do something and to do something. I got aware of the emotions attached to being someone and to be someone. I could see that being successful, correct or rich has no impact on being happy. For that matter, anything that is outside you has no control over you. What I was trying was to fit myself into the existing definition of happiness according to the rest of the world. And it never works. So I gave up.

I gave-up trying to be happy, so I am.

       

To conclude,

Happiness is not in trying to do but doing. Happiness is not about being liked, appreciated or respected for who you are but who you are. Happiness is not about success, result or victory of your actions but your actions.

Your happiness is completely your business.So, give up trying to do and do. Give up being and be.

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